Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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