Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
