ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
