It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
