so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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