I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
