Swine flu. Run for my life!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
