i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
