You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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