My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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