How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
