I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
