I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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