I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
