thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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