did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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