apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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