I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
