don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
