Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
