you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A+ Viking dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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