I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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