i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Houston, we have a blender
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
