That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
