Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
