then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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