Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize