I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
