no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
