I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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