he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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