Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize