life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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