Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
