i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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