seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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