just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
