just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
