now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
