I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you win again, gameday.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
