Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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