i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
