So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
