i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
