I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
