hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
