My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
