I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
