Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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