I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
