Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
