my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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