you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The uberlube is also flammable
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
